


What is lost

by BlueMoonHound



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Endgame AU, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Illustrated, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Memory Loss, OR IS IT, Other Characters Are Mentioned, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, all my otps are mentioned basically, everyone is resurrected endgame au, pale erisol - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 06:28:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10714053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueMoonHound/pseuds/BlueMoonHound
Summary: Sometimes memory feels like a dream.Other times, it's not there at all.(eridan's pov)





	What is lost

**Author's Note:**

> this is an amnesia au with a twist to it. You can interpret it however you like.

A beeping sound.

Silence.

You remember you had a daymare, and all your friends died, and you died, you played a game.

You try to lift your hand and don't succeed.

Consciousness flutters off like a featherbeast startled by a rock.

You wake up again and your body feels a foot away from your mind. Someone's talking.

“I can't believe I’m visiting this dipshit.”

It sounds like Karkat, but older.

“What do you mean? He's your friend!”

“Fuck off, John.”

John. That was that human from the daymare. Your dream.

Are you still dreaming?

There's an ache in the base of your horns that won't go away.

There's a scuffling sound and then you hear someone pull a chair along the floor.

It creaks.

“It's been a month now. You think he's dead?”

Silence.

Are you dead?

Consciousness floats back to you to the sound of a voice that sounds like Sollux, but old, just like Karkat's was old, and strange. There's something off about it.

“You probably wouldn't get this but there's a point where… the teasing doesn't matter. It's friendly, you know? Like, you’ve established that everyone cares that you exist and so it doesn't hurt to hear them pick apart your flaws anymore.”

“To be honest though sometimes I'd rather be in the game again. It's nice to have my eyesight back but the headaches and the voices aren't so pleasant.”

The voice stops for a little while.

Your head hurts.

“I wonder if there's anything the game took away that _you_ got back. I wouldn't know. I didn't know you super well till endgame.”

The game.

You're still dreaming.

Is it a happy dream?

“You know, it's funny. Talking to you is like keeping a diary, but I don't ever have to remember what I said. Or go back. Or do any writing.”

A hand slips into yours. A big, landdweller hand. Warm.

“You know I was talking to the doc earlier and she said if you don't wake up soon it might be better to just… let you die. We don't know if you'll come back.”

The silence is thick this time, pushing at the lids of your eyes.

“I don't want you to die.”

Why does he care?

You let out a little breath through your mouth, and force your eyes open.

For a moment you can't see a thing. It's all white. What if you're blind?? But no, your eyes get used to the lighting and you can see a blurry fluorescent strip along the ceiling.

You aren't wearing your glasses.

Figures.

“Eridan?”

You try to say 'hi' but it comes out more as “h-h-h” than anything.

You look towards the voice.

He looks like Sollux still – bigger, darker, and definitely older than you remember. You turn your head a little and your own hand comes into view and you realize _you’re_ older than you thought you were.

Sollux is crying. Big, fat yellow tears. They roll out from behind his glasses and down his cheeks.

Your dream… It wasn't a dream, was it?

What are you missing?

You don't know. You feel tired down to the very center of your bones.

A cute nurse with skinny y-shaped horns checks your vitals sometime later. Sollux had to go, but you kind of wish he had stayed. He didn't seem to hate you. You don't remember what happened, and something sits in the weight of your stomach when you try, like you shouldn't. Like it's not good.

Your voice is rough and unused and painful and on top of that you don't want to talk. Kinda the way you sometimes didn't want to talk back home, at your shiphive, before the game. You wonder if you have a new home here in the endgame. You wonder what it's like.

You hope it's close to the sea.

They say they're keeping you for another few days. Something about how you ended up in a coma made them decide that.

You're tired.

You don't care.

Sol hugs you so tight that you feel like you're in coon. He's warm, maybe a little too warm, but you don't want him to step away anyway.

You wear old sweats and a plain, grey t-shirt home.

His home.

It's a little house on the edge of a small cliff, overlooking the ocean. _The ocean._ Gog, you missed that. You lean out the porch rail and breathe, staring towards the horizon.

Then you find a mirror.

Your eyes are violet, which means you must be at least 8 sweeps old. Your hair is like you remember it, but longer, dragging down your face in little waves.

Your arms are covered in little, fading cuts and scars, just like you remember.

“How old am I?”

Sollux startles, almost dropping the frying pan on his foot.

“Wh– You don't remember how old you are?”

“Last time I checked I was six. I was dead.”

Sollux pushes the second egg onto your plate while he calculates. He puts the pan on the stove and pushes his own eggs around his plate with a little wrinkle between his forehead.

“You're eleven, Eridan. Do you remember endgame? At _all_?”

You stare at your plate.

“I don't know-w.”

He puts a hand on yours.

“Hey. It's okay.”

Apparently Rose and Kanaya got married. Kanaya married a human. You giggle, because that is the most Kan thing you have ever heard. Karkat and Dave are together, and so are Kar and John and John and Dave (you're pretty sure john and Kar are black, kar and Dave are either pale or red? You're having a little trouble keeping up). Nepeta and Feferi are together, and Equius is a girl. To your utmost surprise she's dating Aradia, last time you checked they had been in a fight. And. Equius and Terezi? And Terezi's in a relationship with a few of the human girls.

Sollux's eyes are bright, voice buzzing the way it does when he's excited, as he explains it all to you.

“And the dancestors are back too, --”

“The dancestors?”

“Don't worry, Cronus isn't coming anywhere near you.”

You sigh. You're not sure if that's what you meant but it's a relief anyway.

There are little scars around his eyes.

You took a shower, and ran your fingers along the deep gash across your midriff-- a relic of your death, you suppose. It goes all the way around, reaches the other side.

You sit on the floor and let the water pelt your fins.

Eleven sweeps.

A couple days pass and you start to remember things, slowly. Mostly fluffy, happy things with you and Sol. He had a headache the next morning and you had just – known what to do, you'd done it a million times before, and that clicked into place in your mind and you started sobbing. He'd come out of your room all sopor-sticky and asked what was wrong and you'd just hugged him.

Little things.

But then there were other things that didn't make you happy, like running a hand along your left horn and feeling an indent along one side, and remembering– painfully– ramming it against a wall, over and over.

That time you didn't cry. You just shook apart, a hand exploring the little dent, barely noticeable except– well, you've had these horns your entire goddamn life and hell if you wouldn't know exactly how they are.

You went downtown, and there was Fef, bouncing along with long braids in her hair, hand in hand with Nepeta. She'd smiled at you. Waved.

You killed her.

You took a deep breath and tried to smile back but you just couldn't.

It didn't take you long at all to figure out that you and Sol weren't caliginous, but somewhere between red and pale.

You saw Equius one day at the beach with Aradia, looking good, her hair back in a high ponytail you vaguely remember seeing in the game when she was working on Tavros's legs – and _Tavros_ , Tavros was there with Gamzee, on his own two feet (should you be surprised? He walked in the dream bubbles). One time you even saw a tall man who looked kind of like Sollux with smaller man who looked kinda like Dave sitting on a big towel, staring at the waves.

You had wondered who they were, and Sol said they were Psii and Dave prime.

“Your ancestor Psii?”

“Yes. Heh. Don't ask him about… _that_.”

You know exactly what he's talking about.

\--

You wake up shaking and gasping and sit up, leaning over the edge of your 'coon to Sol's. You shudder again, crying, and climb in with him. His sopor is hot but you don't care.

Sol makes a noise and rolls over in his sleep, or no, shit, you think you woke him up because he's blinking back at you.

“You okay?”

You rub your nose between his shoulder blades and gasp.

“Bad dream?”

You nod.

“Want to tell me about it?”

“I-I couldn't… I couldn't remember us and… please Sol I don't w-want to go aw-way again.”

He smiles.

“It's okay. I'm here.”

**Author's Note:**

> edits by [SLenDErsUMmeRSevE](http://archiveofourown.org/users/SLenDErsUMmeRSevE)!


End file.
